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Gaia Gets Drilled

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They're Spilling the Guts of Gaia!
and What You Can Do About It


Last month's oil spill is old news to some, but to others it's still going on even worse than ever, and it's beginning to wash up on the shore. The future looks bleak. Sorry, I mean black. Even as we speak, we are experiencing the apocalypse. This is it, boys, girls, and others, the moment you've all been waiting for, so get out your Jesus beads and glossolalia machines. The bozos at BP (and the dimwits who let them bypass safety precautions and all that regulatory mumbo-jumbo that's now coming to light) have obviously drilled Mother Earth way too deep, in a sensitive zone, and now they've gone and pierced the guts of Gaia, and she's hemorrhaging something fierce. Crude oil is destined to cover every square millimeter of the planet's surface.

So, how can we stop it? The recipe is simple.

The battle for world domination has begun, and it won't be won by vegetarians or wimps. Sorry, friends, it's the truth. Ultimately, vegetarianism is the best choice for sustainability, but to get there, we have to make some hard choices. A sustainable future won't be won by producing more cows, because, you see: it's wildly inefficient and ecologically unsound to grow meat for eating. So, in the tradition of Jonathan Swift and others, I have a modest proposal...

Eat a Republican. Members of the GOP are generally well-fed and contended because they've been consuming vast quantities of everything and have all the money. They're nutritious, because they can afford the best health care, because they have all the money. They're also typically brain-dead already (you can tell because they keep voting for more offshore oil drilling and more tax cuts for the rich), so you won't need to feel squeamish about consuming something with feelings, self-awareness, or ecological consciousness.

Go ahead: Eat a Republican. Just add salt, pour on some crude oil, and roast over a big pile of slow-burning dollar bills. Then, when the Republicans are all gone, you can go vegetarian, like Gaia intended all along! As an added bonus, we'll have a much reduced population of Americans, which is always a good thing for Mother Earth.

Oh, and then, you'll want to support genetic research and eugenics so that we can get rid of all the men. You heard right. While there might actually be men who are nice, smart, and worth preserving, fundamentally testosterone is a poison. It's unnecessary for a balanced ecology, so we might as well get rid of the major malefactors: male humans. With only a bit of good research, I'm sure we can come up with good technology for parthenogenesis and still figure out how to get all the advantages of chromosonal crossover to keep the species healthy. All without any boys to fuck it up for the girls!

And, wow! Dude! Wouldn't the future be wonderful? Wow! Just think about that for a sec: a whole world full of non-stop girl-on-girl action! Oh, wait... Uh... OK, I'll have to think about this a little more.

(Oh, yes... As a public service I'm uploading the high-resolution 300dpi version so you can print it out and send it to your favorite oil executive or congressional representative.)

Standard Disclaimer: I am not an artist, but I play one on the Internet.
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© 2010 - 2024 vanilla-vanilla
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librarian-of-hell's avatar
"While there might actually be men who are nice, smart, and worth preserving, fundamentally testosterone is a poison. It's unnecessary for a balanced ecology, so we might as well get rid of the major malefactors: male humans."

WOW.... you hate yourself almost as much as I do... well, wow. :XD: