The US Election Fiasco Blah Blah

It's no secret around here on DA that I have a few opinions. Sometimes I post them for people to mull over.

Now, everyone's grandma has probably said, at one time or another: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

So I put on my thinking cap and decided to do that. After all, even loathsome pussy-grabbing troglodytes must have some redeeming characteristics, right? I mean, at least one, right? Hmmm.

The nicest thing I can say right now about president elect Trump is that he'll certainly be more undignified than his predecessor.

At least the new first lady will be an unrepentant plagiarist.

And Trump definitely has poofy hair. And he has hands, too, even if they're microsopic.

And at least we can be sure Trump will keep his wiggly fingers in every pie.

And Trump's election should be a true inspiration to young people everywhere. He has proven conclusively that ABSOLUTELY ANYONE — no matter how unqualified, illiterate, misogynistic, bigoted, bankrupt, or loathsome they are — can become President of the USA. Isn't that reassuring for little girls to know?

Last night I happily dreamed that a team of surgeons had Trump on the operating table for an emergency brain transplant before he takes office next January. When they opened his head some coprolites fell out. And then the only brain they had available in the fridge was from a micro-cephalic pig. When the O.R. nurse brought the pig brain on a paper plate, the head surgeon suggested that putting it into a Trump body would be insulting to pigs everywhere. After some discussion, the team decided that leaving the brain case empty was the best bet. "Nobody will ever notice," said the lead surgeon.

So that's something nice, too: Trump is just as good without a brain. Kind of like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz... Except... Oh, darn, Trump doesn't have a heart, either does he? So is he the Tin Man or the Scarecrow? I'm sure the US media will kick around that important question for four years or so.

This is one of those times I wish I had actual drawing skills. I would make a really fun party game called Pin the Poop on the Rump of Trump. It would be a full-color large size cardboard and you could tape it to your living-room wall. It would have several packets of RealPoop™. They'd be ultra stinky, and you could buy bags of replacement poop when you run out. And the game would come in two versions. The simple version for children would have a Trump with a gigantic pimple-covered rump that would be easy for kids to find, and it would give off putrid gas occasionally, for realistic flair. The adult version would come with a gigantic bloated head (and real hair) so nobody would have to bother finding the hind-end, they could go straight for where it counts.