vanilla-vanilla

The other night, we were due for our first real snow of the season. It didn't amount to much, only about two inches. Even so, I enjoy watching snow fall, especially at night when it's all still and quiet. Odd, I know, but it fills me with a rare, pleasant sense of nostalgia. I can tune out everything else and just get lost in the falling snow. As I was turning in for the night, it occurred to me that it should be snowing right around that time so I grabbed my flashlight and moved the curtain aside to see. Mind you, this isn't some dinky little pen-light, this is a FUCK YOU light. This thing would make an elephant blush. This is the power of UY Scuti, the largest hypergiant star known to mankind, contained within a metal tube the size of my forearm. I'm pretty sure I could eye-shine GOD with this fucking thing. It is a +12 DnD mace that instantly blinds on-hit. I know not whence it came or how its power was bequeathed unto a lowly mortal such as myself but I do

Every Monday, I am blessed with the illustrious and most noble of obligations… taking out the trash. Now, I don't know exactly how long the driveway is but if I had to guess, I'd say it's probably a little longer than a blue whale, about 125ft or so. Yes, I absolutely use blue whales as a unit of measurement. Don't judge me. I can't help it, I'm American. We don't do metric so we're forced to use all manner of weird bullshit for scale. I promise you, blue whales are not the weirdest thing I've used to measure distance. (That would probably have to be buttcheeks….. don't ask.) The trashcan and recycle bin are almost as tall as I am and usually quite heavy, the former weighing probably about as much as six toddlers and the latter weighing about as much as three toddlers, or thereabouts. (Yeah, I know, Americans really should have gotten on the metric bandwagon by now.) I don't really "drag" the bins so much as I escort them like an angry teacher marching naughty students off to the